“After motherhood my heart never leaves home.”

Going back to work after being home with both my babies feels wrong, like I’ve made a terrible decision or that it just isn’t right, but as a mom you find ways to muster up the courage to do things, be as strong as you can for your little ones and hope with all of your heart that you are doing the right thing.

I’m not ready and neither are they, but I guess that’s a pretty natural way to feel when you are leaving your little ones. This first week of transitions has been hard on everyone; most of us aren’t  sleeping and there have been many tears. Like anything, you never really know what to expect from your own kids, my youngest was fine for the first day or so at daycare and so was my oldest, so I guess I thought maybe this will be ok, maybe they will be fine. Then day two came and the tears started. As I left the daycare centre on the second and third days of transition my whole body was saying; don’t leave, don’t let go,  this is crazy let’s just go back  home together and forget the whole thing.

With a baby the tears are so tough, but my youngest seems totally ok within a few minutes of me leaving. A few tears and then he’s fine. He’s almost one, so they forget and are easily distracted at that age. My toddler takes it home with him and he can communicate how he’s feeling and well, that’s potentially the hardest part about it; he can tell me he’s sad or sacred and he keeps asking to stay home with me. To be completely honest, I was so close to being convinced by my toddler that we should stay home one of the days that we almost did. Who doesn’t want to stay in bed and snuggle for just one more day, right? But we didn’t and I think it’s better that I didn’t break-up the transition days.

If you’d have asked me before kids if I ever pictured this happening, or feeling this way I would have said no, I loved my job and of course going back to work was the obvious choice, so I didn’t think too much about this part. I had no friends with young kids back then, so to me it just seemed natural that you would continue with your regular life after kids. Then you have kids (and I know not everyone feels the same way, so I don’t want to speak for anyone else), but something changes, you change and your whole world looks a little different. So thinking the way you did before kids isn’t even possible, you can hardly remember life before them; because they are your life now.

For example how much I used to love the quiet … I still love it every once-in-a-while (don’t get me wrong I need that peace sometimes), but I’ve been home a few times during the transition days and let’s just say that it’s way too quiet here and I kind of hate it. You know that quiet you crave during nap time or when you get a few hours to yourself here and there; for some reason it’s just not the same and the emptiness is a bit too heavy to handle right now. I guess I can kind of understand how mamas feel when their babies grow-up and move away, but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here.

Like anything in life there are seasons; warm, restful one as well as windy and chaotic ones; I guess we all just need to bundle up for this one and hope that things calm down a bit soon. On the bright side, I will be soaking up the Saturday and Sunday snuggles even more now!

Has anyone else felt the same way about going back to work? What was your transition period like?